"yes, sex is a major part of it, but it's only one piece of the puzzle."
Ever wondered about libido? You're not alone. It's a question people ask in doctors' offices and Google searches worldwide. But what is libido, really, and how can we make it stronger? It's more than just wanting sex. In fact, almost half of women feel they have low libido. But don't worry—libido is like a deep energy inside us that drives us toward pleasure and aliveness. So, let's explore what libido really means and how to bring it out in full force.
What actually is libido?
We often use the word “libido” as synonymous with sex drive, or how often (and how strongly) we want to have sex. However, the term was actually coined by Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, to define an energy driven by an individual’s sexual and survival instincts. In other words, libido is so much more than having regular sex. “Libido is part of an individual’s unconscious, primal energy that encompasses not only sexual energy but also psychic energy.
Think of libido as an energy that helps you feel pleasurable, alive, and tapped into your body. It encompasses anything and everything that just genuinely feels good for your truest self. Yes, sex is a major part of that, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. Instead of thinking of libido as a tool to have more sex, think of sex as a tool to have more libido. When we have full access to our libidos, we have access to more inspiration, creativity, connections, and, most importantly, an understanding of our deepest desires (both in and out of the bedroom). “Libido is a life force,” agreed Dr. Caroline Madden MFT, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It connects you with yourself and the parts of you that you are most proud of.”
Libido isn't just about sex—it's about our basic instincts and desires. Sigmund Freud came up with the term to describe this primal energy within us. It's what makes us feel alive and connected to our deepest selves. Sure, sex is part of it, but it's not the whole story. Libido is what drives us to be creative, to connect with others, and to understand what we truly want in life.
Libido: A Sign of Well-being
Think of libido as a sign that your body and mind are in tune. Just like feeling hungry tells you to eat, feeling libido tells you that you need something. But in a world where we don't always talk about libido openly, it's easy to lose touch with it. By reconnecting with our libido, we not only spice up our sex lives but also feel more vibrant and fulfilled overall.
How to Boost Your Libido
Boosting libido isn't just about sex—it's about taking care of yourself in every way. Small changes in diet or lifestyle can have a big impact on libido. Exercise, for example, not only boosts your energy but also makes you feel more confident. And don't forget to indulge in life's pleasures, whether it's a piece of chocolate or a relaxing bath. Pleasure is key to unlocking your libido's full potential.
Rediscovering Self-Pleasure
Self-pleasure isn't just about sex toys—it's about embracing your desires without guilt or shame. By honoring what feels good to you, you empower yourself to live life on your own terms. Self-pleasure becomes a way to connect with yourself on a deeper level and explore what truly brings you joy.
Embrace Your Erotic Self
Forget about what society says you should want—embrace what feels right for you. Libido is different for everyone, and it can change over time. So, instead of trying to fit into someone else's idea of what libido should be, trust your own desires. Embrace your uniqueness and let your libido guide you toward a life filled with pleasure and fulfillment.
Indulge in your sweet tooth
It turns out your sweet tooth might actually be good for you. “Throughout history, chocolate has been a symbol of desire. Not just because of its delicious taste, but because of its power to improve sexual pleasure,” explained Dr. Mike Anderson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship expert. “According to one study, chocolate promotes the release of phenylethylamine and serotonin, which can both produce aphrodisiac and mood-lifting effects.” *Immediately orders dark chocolate in bulk.*
While chocolate may affect the physical body to help you feel more turned on, the important part is pleasure. Indulging in a couple of rich, decadent squares of dark chocolate after dinner might feel like an incredibly luxurious and pleasurable moment of your day, but if it’s not, find and indulge in other moments of pleasure, whether it’s a cup of coffee in the morning or a glass of wine at night. Start making everything you eat and smell more pleasurable by taking a moment to stop and enjoy it.
Have a stress management plan
Stress gets a bad rap for many reasons, but it’s also notorious for depleting libido. “Stress disrupts normal hormone levels and blood flow, which affects your overall well-being, including your sexual desire,” Graveris explained. Since sex drive is often the first thing to take a hit when work is crazy busy or the kids are driving you nuts, have a plan to manage stress as much as possible in advance. Try deep breathing exercises when you feel your body start to move into fight-or-flight mode and practice regular meditation whenever you can fit it in to lower your overall stress threshold.
Also, when you know you’re going into an extra stressful time like an important board meeting or a hectic week, schedule extra self-care in advance, whether it’s a luxurious bath, a workout class you love, or just some alone time to read first thing in the morning. Prioritizing your well-being will not only improve the way you react during stressful situations but will help you use your libido as a powerful tool, rather than ignoring it when you’re at your busiest or most stressed.
Practice mindfulness
“In today’s always-connected world, it is hard to stay focused on one task for very long–including sex,” explained Dr. Leah Millheiser, a board-certified OB-GYN and Senior Vice President of Medical Affairs at Hims & Hers. When you practice mindfulness more regularly, you can start tapping into more pleasure. For example, when you close your laptop and sit down for a long lunch, you’ll be able to taste and smell how delicious your lunch is instead of wolfing it down while working.
Pleasure is simply a state of being in the moment, so bringing yourself into the moment more often will translate into more pleasure in your life and greater access to your libido. When it comes to staying mindful during sex itself, “focus on what you’re feeling, how you’re breathing, or a spot on the wall: anything that keeps you from thinking about work, kids, grocery lists, the laundry, etc.,” Dr. Millheiser recommended. “Mindfulness during sex is important for sexual satisfaction and intimacy (whether it’s with a partner or by yourself).”
Self-pleasure
If you’re still viewing sex only as a part of a relationship or something you do with someone else, you’re missing out on a key piece of the puzzle. “If you have yet to embrace self-pleasure, reframe it as another tool for self-care (because it is),” suggested Mia Sabat, a sex therapist at Emjoy. “Taking care of yourself means attending to your needs and enjoying your body without feeling guilt or remorse. Respect and self-knowledge are the basics of self-care–is there anything more important than knowing what we want and how we want it?”
This crucial piece of the libido puzzle also expands way beyond your favorite vibrator or a regular ménage-à-moi. Practice radical confidence, self-love, and self-acceptance in everything you do: stop making decisions based on what you should or shouldn’t do and start making decisions based on what will feel best to you. Once you start using self-pleasure as a compass for your entire life (rather than a guilty pleasure we hide in a bedside table drawer), you’ll be able to step into your greatest power.
Stop thinking your libido needs to change
IDK who needs to hear this, but your libido is perfect, just as it is. While we often talk about “boosting” or “improving” libido, it’s a powerful life force we already have inside of ourselves. When talking about your libido, it’s not about changing it, but about finding it. How do you find it? Start trusting your body to know best. “A ‘lacking’ libido is considered a problem that needs to be fixed,” explained Katrina Marie, a sex educator and sexual empowerment coach. “If we have ‘low libido,’ we’re told to keep up, get with it, or to ‘fake it ’til you make it,’ but this messaging just teaches us to doubt our inner knowing.”
The truth is that there’s no “healthy” definition of libido, and your partner or a headline in a magazine doesn’t know what libido looks like to you. As life changes, so does your energy, desires, and preferences. If you find yourself craving bubble baths and quality talks over wine instead of spontaneous sex as you (or your relationship) get older, there’s nothing wrong with you. This just means that you’re experiencing pleasure in different ways. You are your own erotic self, so tap into the life force you already have access to, rather than thinking it needs to be changed. “What if there is nothing wrong with your libido?” Marie said. “Maybe you just haven’t found what this current version of yourself wants. Get creative, be willing to try new things, and trust your body.”
.webp)
%201.webp)